Love, Marriage and Sex Jokes
A naive young girl from a small town was visiting friends in San
Francisco. She phoned her mom to let her know how she was getting
along. "Things are rather strange here. I see men who hold
hands, kiss and hug each other. They're called 'gays' or
homosexuals. Even more surprising, there are women here who do
the same things and they are referred to as 'lesbians'. You
probably won't believe this, but some men here put their heads
down on a woman's private parts and do things with their
tongues." "Good Lord," her mom said, "what do
they call them?" "Well, after I caught my breath I
called one of them PRECIOUS!"
A group of young businessmen were chatting at
the bar, and decides to share his recent
embarrassment with the others. He tells them that he was booking
a plane ticket to Pittsburgh, but he
was so preoccupied with the beautiful breasts of the girl to the
counter, that instead of saying "I'd like
a ticket to Pittsburgh", he said, "I'd like a picket to
Titsburg!"!
An older guy nearby hears the story and says,
"You know, I had a similar experience with my wife
this morning. We were sitting at the breakfast table. and I meant
to say, "Darling, could you please
pass the butter" ... but what came out was, "You bitch,
you're ruining my fucking life!"
Q: What's worse than a lobster on your piano?
A: A crab on your organ
1. Only get laid once.
2. Only get eaten once.
3. Take 7 minutes to get hard.
4. You have to come in a box with 11 other guys.
5. The only one who'll sit on your face is your mother.
Little Johnny and Jane are playing in the garden when they start having an argument about whether boys are better than girls. After a while Johnny stands up and pulls down his shorts saying 'Boys are better than girls 'cos you haven't got one of these!!'.
Jane looks at him in astonishment as she knows that she hasn't got one of those between her legs. She bursts out crying and rushes inside to her mother. A little while later she comes back out with a big smile on her face.
'My mum says girls are better than boys', she says.
'No they're not.' says Johnny pulling down his shorts, 'You haven't got one of these!'.
Jane looks at him, then raises her skirt, pulls down her panties and says
'My mum says that as long as I've got one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!!'
The cops raided the local brothel and had all
the girls standing in line waiting to enter the paddy wagon. A
little old lady walked up and asked one of the girls what the
line was for. She indicated they were giving out lollipops. The
little old lady liked lollipops so she got in line too. When she
got up to the paddy wagon door, a cop said, "Hey grandma,
aren't you a little old to be doing this?" She replied,
"As long as they keep making them, I'll keep sucking
them."
Mother is in the kitchen making supper for her family when her youngest daughter walks in.
Child: Mother, where do babies come from?
Mom: Well dear...a mommy and daddy fall in love and get married. One night, they go into their room...they kiss and hug and have sex. (The daughter looks puzzled.) That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina. That's how you get a baby, honey.
Child: Oh I see, but the other night when I came into you and daddy's room you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?
Mom: Jewelry, dear.
A young couple, just married, were in their
honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they undressed for bed
the husband, who was a big burly man, tossed his pants to his
bride and said, "Here, put these on." She put them on
and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear
your pants," she said. "That's Right!!" said the
husband, "and don't you forget it. I'm the one who wears the
pants in this family!" With that she flipped him her panties
and said, "Try these on." He tried them on and found he
could only get them on as far as his kneecap. He said,
"Hell, I can't get into your panties!" She said,
"That's right, and that's the way it's going to be until
your attitude changes!"
A little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents' room. Finally one morning he says to his mom, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noises and when I look in your bedroom you're bouncing up and down on him." His mom is taken by surprise and says, "Oh...well...ah...well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again." The boy responds, "That won't work!" His mom says, "Why not???" To which the boy replies, "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!"
A woman and her little daughter go into a toy store. The mother asks her what toys she wants. She says, "GI Joe and Barbie". The mother smiles and says, "Darling, you know Barbie doesn't come with GI Joe." The little girl looks up at her mom and says, "Mom, Barbie ALWAYS comes with GI Joe. She just FAKES it with Ken".
Little Johnny is passing his parents bedroom in
the middle
of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of
moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in
the Act. Before Dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims
"Oh Boy!Horsey ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?"
Daddy
relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable
questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride
agrees. Johnny hops on and Daddy starts going to town. Pretty
soon Mommy starts moaning and gasping. Johnny cries out,
"Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the
Milkman usually get bucked off!!!"
If you go to bed 9 hours before you have to
wake up, and
your wife wants to have 2 hours of sex, how much sleep will
you get?
8 hours, 57 minutes - who cares what she wants.
Circumcision
A teacher notices that a little boy at the back of
the class is
squirming
around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention. She goes
back to
find out what's up. He's quite embarrassed and whispers that he
has just
recently been circumcised and he's quite itchy.
The teacher has him go down to the principal's office to phone
his mom,
and ask her what he should do about it.
He does this, returns to the class, sits down in his seat and
suddenly,
there's a general commotion at the back of the room. Back down
she goes,
only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out.
"I thought I told you to call your mom," she says.
"I did," he says, "and she told me that if I could
stick it out till
noon
she'd come and pick me up from school."
On An Elevator
A blonde and a brunette are in an elevator. On the 3rd floor a
man gets
on who is just perfect; three piece suit, great build, nice butt.
Unfortunately they both noticed, he had really bad dandruff.
The man exited the elevator at the 5th floor. Once the doors
closed the
brunette turned to the blonde and she said, "Someone should
give him
head
and shoulders."
To which the blonde replied. "HOW DO YOU GIVE
SHOULDERS"?
Ten Things Men SHOULDN’T Say Out Loud In Victoria’s Secret
#9 No Thanks. Just Sniffing!
#8 I’ll be in the dressing room going blind.
#7 Mom will Love this.
#6 Oh the size won’t matter. She’s inflatable.
#5 No need to wrap it up. I’ll eat it here.
#4 Will you model this for me ???
#3 The Miracle What ??? This is better than world peace!!
#2 45 bucks ?? You’re just gonna end up naked anyway!!
#1 Oh, honey, you’ll never squeeze your fat ass into That.
THE TYPEWRITER
A husband and wife decided they needed to use ""code"" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word ""typewriter."" One day the husband told his five year old daughter, ""Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter.""
The child told her mom what her dad said and her mother responded, ""Tell your daddy that he can’t type a letter right now because there’s a red ribbon in the typewriter."" The child went back to tell her father what mommy had said.
A few days later the mom told the daughter, ""Tell daddy that he can type that letter now.""
The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, ""Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand.""
I can’t hear you!
Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can’t see each other using sign language.
After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. ""Honey,"" she signs, ""Why don’t we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don’t want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time.
The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, ""Great idea!""
Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don’t want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis fifty times""
Feathers
Dog Humor
Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the veterinarian’s.
One of the dogs was hanging its head and sighing. The second dog turned to him and asked, ""What are you in here for, buddy?""
< p>The first dog looked depressed.""I’m in big trouble,"" he said, ""my owner has a really nice sports car with leather seats. I just love to go for rides in it. Well, the other day, he took me for a ride and I was so excited, I peed on the seats. Now he’s having me put to sleep.""
""I know how you feel,"" said the second dog. ""My owner’s have a beautiful, expensive oriental rug. The other day they were late getting home from work and I just couldn’t help myself...I shit all over their nice carpet and ruined it. They’re having me put to sleep too.""
Both dogs turned to the third dog in the waiting room. ""So what are you in here for?"" they asked. ""Well,"" said the third dog, ""my owner likes to do her housework in the nude. The other day, she was vacuuming and she knelt down to vacuum under the sofa, and I just couldn’t help myself. I hopped on her back and had the ride of my life!""
The other dogs nodded in sympathy, ""So she’s having you put to sleep too, huh?""
""No,"" said the third dog, ""I’m having my nails clipped.""
A Hooker and a Bungee Jump
What do a Bungee Jump and a Hooker have in common? They’re both cheap, last only a few seconds and if the rubber breaks, you’re dead.
Bra Styles
A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy’s. He shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said. ""I’d like to buy a bra for my wife.""
""What type of bra?"" asked the clerk.
""Type?"" inquires the man. ""There is more than one type?""
""Look around,"" said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in very shape, size, color and material. ""Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three types of bras,"" replied the sales clerk.
Confused, the man asked about the types.
The saleslady replied, ""The Catholic type, the Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?""
Still confused the man asked, ""What is the difference between them?""
The lady responded, ""It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army Type lifts up the fallen, and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills.""